Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
