jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
