Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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