when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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