the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
