Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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