He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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