i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
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