I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
You are a booty call, not a friend.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Randomize
