i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
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