I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
