It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
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