Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
