Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
