I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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