Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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