Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
