hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
being pregnant is like rehab
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
