Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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