i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Randomize
