i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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