im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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