when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
