I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
