Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
