Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
