I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
