He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
