ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
