i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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