quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
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