You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
