My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
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