I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
FUCK WHALES
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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