Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
honey bunches of taint.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
