Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
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You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
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If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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