dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
