my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I think your dad took our porno
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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