i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
