I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize