Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I love having hate sex.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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