Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Randomize
