So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
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