if i can run in heels then i can drive
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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