Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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