On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
