I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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