Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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