that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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