Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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