I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
