one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
