did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
