just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
