Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
